CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snow bank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may have had a nervous breakdown. A spokesperson for the Gore empire issued a statement this morning.
“President Albert Gore, former U.S. Senator, Grammy and Academy Award winner and humbled recipient of the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize is resting comfortably at his new home in the esteemed Malibu Beach community of beautiful sunny southern California. He would like to express his heartfelt thanks to the dozens of devotees who’ve sent recycled cards wishing him a speedy recovery. He is well aware of the necessity of his presence in our deteriorating world, and he wants his disciples to know that after a few months of rest aboard his new yacht he will board his private jet and travel to far and distant lands to forecast that all humans will soon suffer unimaginable agony and despair in the ever advancing apocalypse of global warming. The Gore estate will continue to accept large financial donations to help pay for his selfless and benevolent predictions of impending wretchedness and torment. So we beseech you to please continue to donate large sums of money. With enough cash Mr. Gore is confident that, through his unrelenting determination and struggle to combat global warming, he can almost guarantee that your children will not die before they reach the tenth, maybe even the eleventh grade.”
“President Gore was quite shaken when it became apparent that he would miss the fund raiser. When our cell phone reception disappeared he began squirming around the back of the limo like a caged animal. That’s when he began screaming into his cell phone.
“Somebody, please answer me! Hello? This is Al Gore! Somebody answer Al Gore’s cry for help! Somebody please, answer Al Gore’s cry for help! I repeat, this is President Al Gore! Somebody help President Al Gore!”
“When I told President Gore that his phone wasn’t getting a signal,” the driver continued, “he rightfully told me to keep my mouth shut because I was just a limo driver who had never received a big important trophy in front of lots of people. Then he started hyperventilating and screaming that we were going to die. By the time help arrived he’d collapsed into a fetal position in the back of the limo mumbling:
“Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes…..”
When reporters contacted Mr. Gore’s ex-wife, Tipper, her spokesperson said the former first lady has been away shopping for the past six months and is expected to continue shopping for several more years.