FBI Says Ron Paul Handed Out LSD To Occupy Wall Street Protesters

February 25, 2014 8:14 pm 1 comment

NEW YORK – According to a report released by the FBI this afternoon, during his presidential campaign run in 2011, former Texas Congressman Ron Paul visited theOccupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan where it’s alleged he handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A former spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee fervently denies the candidate distributed LSD.

“Representative Paul was not at the Occupy Wall Streetprotests so how could he have been dispensing LSD to those people?”

Yet several revolutionaries are claiming that Ron Paul not only gave them LSD, but encouraged them to build nuclear weapons at home in their spare time.

“That Ron Paul guy was really cool,” proclaimed 22-year-old protester, Columbia University student Dylan Baez Shwartzkoff. “Dude gave me and my girlfriend some awesome acid and said if we voted for him he’d decriminalize drugs and make them available in schools along with condoms and small firearms.”

Other protesters allege Paul told them his administration would not punish anyone for having a nuclear weapon.

“Yeah, that dude was pretty radical,” exclaimed 19-year-old protester Nirvana Tweedsdale. “He turned me and my friends on to some awesome LSD and then hung out with us. Mr. Ron gave us pamphlets about constitutional freedoms and surviving nuclear fallout. At one point after the acid had kicked in, Mr. Ron leaned in and whispered: ‘how would you like to have an atom bomb of your very own?’ I must have been tripping pretty heavy at that point because when I looked at him there was a small naked man draped around his shoulders gnawing on a candy apple.”

Many protesters who tripped on Ron Paul’s LSD said they experienced hallucinations about President Obama.

Skip Boyle, Indianapolis – “I saw President Obama sitting on top of a van weeping openly, clutching a tear soaked towel. Then Cloris Leachman flew over me on a big black bird. She had bright blue lips and was shrieking Ron Paul! Ron Paul! down at the crowd. When the bird flew away President Obama began humming Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence and danced slowly with himself as Cloris Leachman’s Ron Paul! Ron Paul! echoed faintly from the heavens.”

Christin Hemmens, Chicago – “I saw President Obama up to his neck in a big stack of pancakes. There was an enormous pat of butter on top of his head that resembled McDonald’s founder, Ray Kroc. As the butter began to melt and engulf President Obama, Cloris Leachman flew above us straddling a very large crow and screeched Ron Paul! Ron Paul! It was pretty awesome. Then my arms morphed into German chocolate cake with delightful tasting icing and I began to eat myself.”

Abbey Hope, New York - “I saw Cloris Leachman fly over the crowd on that bird, but I didn’t do any LSD.”

Lewis Umbrellahem, New York - “That lady on the bird rocked, man!”

Bernard Angelopoulos, Carrboro, NC – “Ron Paul was radical, bro. He turned me and my friend onto some primo acid and told us if we voted for him we could have a nuclear bomb. Then I saw Burt Bacharach in the bushes having sex with Gladys Knight. Ron Paul for President, dude!”

When reached for comment after attending a meeting in Washington last night, Ron Paul said he had no idea what the Wall Street protesters were talking about and denied giving anyone LSD.

“Oh, that’s all just so much nonsense,” he barked as he got into a waiting car.

The Daily Rash

1 Comment

  • I say that we hold to “innocent until proven guilty” (especially considering Obama’s impartial IRS, NSA, and Justice Department).

Leave a Reply


Other News

  • Christian Persecution World Russia Declares ‘Holy War’ On Islamic State

    Russia Declares ‘Holy War’ On Islamic State

    The Orthodox Christian Church, which is reclaiming its traditional role in post-Soviet Russia, has just described its government’s fight against the Islamic State and other jihadi groups in Syria as a “holy war.”

    According to Vsevolod Chaplin, head of the Church’s Public Affairs Department,

    The fight with terrorism is a holy battle and today our country is perhaps the most active force in the world fighting it. The Russian Federation has made a responsible decision on the use of armed forces to defend the People of Syria from the sorrows caused by the arbitrariness of terrorists. Christians are suffering in the region with the kidnapping of clerics and the destruction of churches. Muslims are suffering no less.

    This is not a pretext to justify intervention in Syria.

    Read more →
  • 2nd Amendment Faith Oregon Shooting – When Tragedy Happens Let’s Focus On The Cause And Not The Tools Used

    Oregon Shooting – When Tragedy Happens Let’s Focus On The Cause And Not The Tools Used

    While the blood was still dripping from those martyrs who, in front of an evil man armed with a gun, asked them if they were Christians and those strong in the faith said they were. He shot them in the head. While those who were lost or weak said nothing he spared their lives and shot them in their legs.

    Barrack Hussein Obama angrily ran to the cameras to use this opportunity to say that guns being in the hands of the law-abiding Americans is the problem, and we need to restrict the 2nd amendment to spare the lives of “we the people.”

    This is nuts; guns do not kill people, people kill people! You can test this fact in your own home right now. (Do not worry no one will get hurt).

    Read more →
  • 2nd Amendment Faith Gun Free Zones Are Killing Zones

    Gun Free Zones Are Killing Zones

    How did you feel when you heard of the shootings in Oregon this week? Was the first thing that came to your mind the thought that if we only had stricter gun control legislation, this kind of tragedy could have been prevented?

    If you listened to idiotic liberals, like President Barack “Insane” Obama, you might believe that. It is my contention that liberalism is a mental disorder based on the rejection of God and His principles, and extreme irresponsibility.

    Read more →
  • National Where’s the Beef, in Republican candidates, in 2015?

    Where’s the Beef, in Republican candidates, in 2015?

    What type of Republican Leader do you want in 2015?

    As we look at elections coming up quickly in 2015, as well as the very important 2016 election cycle, what type of “Republican” leaders do you want to shape the future of your county and country?

    Do you ever wonder why it is that the current crop of Republicans are not declaring, at every media interview, “These ills have been brought to you by the Democrat Party!” when speaking of Obamacare, the hordes of immigrants being allowed to destroy our country, the Iranian nuclear treaty, the “Black Lives Matter” racial division rhetoric, the attack on the defense of marriage, the 94 million Americans not currently in the work force,

    Read more →
  • National Child protection services Sentences Baby To Death ON 9/11/2015

    Child protection services Sentences Baby To Death ON 9/11/2015

    Child protection services should be self-explanatory based on the simplicity of its name. But they are doing exactly opposite of their name in many places. Wynne, Arkansas is one such place.

    A baby has been sentenced to death and will be executed on Friday, September 11, 2015 and Arkansas Department of HUMAN SERVICES (DHS) – Division of Children and Family Services- Central Office will facilitate the delivery of the baby’s 10-year-old to the abortion clinic.

    On August 29, 2015 20-year-old Justin Smith was arrested and charged with three counts of rape and one count of endangering the welfare of a minor. His “alleged” victim is a 10-year-old.

    Read more →