Al Sharpton Urges Vladimir Putin To Take Obama Horseback Riding

This afternoon Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on MSNBC with Reverend Al Sharpton to discuss the turmoil in Ukraine. Following is a transcript of that interview which airs tomorrow night on MSNBC’s, PoliticsNation.

AL SHARPTON: My guest tonight is the leader of the Soviet’s Union, Battamier Prutin. He joins us via saturnite from Russia. Welcome to my show, Mr. Leader.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: (nods)

SHARPTON: I should inform you upfront that since I’m host of my own news show on MSNBC I’m expectated to ask the tough questions. I’m also an African American man of color. Shall we proceed?

PUTIN: (nods)

SHARPTON: Mr. Leader, you are in the headlines on a daily basis. Last summer you rescued our commander of chiefs from a debarnacle in Cereal and recently you hosted the game of Olympics in your country. Now there is a Ukrainium outbreak of revolution in Clamitia and President Obama has sort of given you an ultramaiden. What say you?

PUTIN: If people in Ukraine have chlamydia it’s because they not use rubbers.

SHARPTON: How will you respond to President Obama’s incineration that he might draw a line in the sand pile?

PUTIN: Your president is harmless. He draws lines, he erases lines. What line mean to me?

SHARPTON: (snickers) Well, if you step on the line there could be catastrophic consequencials.

PUTIN: What consequences?

SHARPTON: Commander Obama could use the drone on you. He’s getting to be a sharp shooter with that thing.

PUTIN: If Obama use drone on Russia, we shoot down. Not afraid of drone.

SHARPTON: I notice you’re wearing a shirt for our interview.

PUTIN: Yes. I wear shirt.

SHARPTON: I mention that because I’ve seen lots of pictures of you without your shirt on.

PUTIN: If you like I send you autographed picture.

SHARPTON: (snickers) No thanks. I don’t need people thinking I’m light in my loafers, if you know what I mean.

PUTIN: I do not know what you mean.

SHARPTON: I don’t want to give the impersonation that I might be homo.

PUTIN: You do homo impersonation?

SHARPTON: (snickers) Actually, I used to do a pretty good impersonation, but here in America we are sensitive about our homos now. Unlike your country, if you don’t mind me saying.

PUTIN: (nods)

SHARPTON: Mr. Leader, how come you treat the LGBT community like senecrat citizens?

PUTIN: I do not know what you just said.

SHARPTON: You are against the gays and transmembers. You don’t let them get married or hold hands in department stores.

PUTIN: Many of your states do not allow them to marry.

SHARPTON: But they let them hold hands.

PUTIN: That is their prerogative.

SHARPTON: Why don’t you have permogative in your country?

PUTIN: I do not know what you are saying.

SHARPTON: Let’s move on, Mr. Leader. On top of everything else going on, there have been pussies rioting on your continent.

PUTIN: (nods)

SHARPTON: In fact, my producers tell me that sometimes you whip the pussies. What say you?

PUTIN: (sly smile) What can I say?

SHARPTON: But the big story today is the upheaval in your Ukrainium. Last week Vice President Biden called the new Ukrainial Primister on the phone and sent tidings of great support.

PUTIN: (shifts his position and sighs) No offense, but your Joe Biden is buffoon.

SHARPTON: There are some who would conscrew that to be a racist comment.

PUTIN: What is racist about it?

SHARPTON: Cause you’re calling someone from a different race a baboon. That is a deromatory term.

PUTIN: Me and your Joe Biden are same race.

SHARPTON: Not according to him. He tells everybody he’s Irish.

PUTIN: (nods)

SHARPTON: Let’s move on. The White House says if you don’t leave the Ukrainials alone President Obama may cancel his trip to your country in June.

PUTIN: We deal with that in June.

SHARPTON: He also said he was deeply concerned.

PUTIN: We see what happens in June.

SHARPTON: (looks surprised) And that’s it?

PUTIN: (shrugs)

SHARPTON: Mr. Leader, it might be constructed if you showed President Obama some respect.

PUTIN: I show respect.

SHARPTON: Are you being mean to our leader because he’s an African American man of color?

PUTIN: I save him from humiliation in Syria. He was same color then.

SHARPTON: Have you seen our leader without his shirt on?

PUTIN: I saw photo in People magazine.

SHARPTON: He looks pretty good, huh?

PUTIN: (shifts in his seat) I don’t want to appear, as you say, light in loafers.

SHARPTON: I’ll take that as a yes. So why don’t you take our leader horseback riding with you? It would make him look stronger and you’ll get credit again for enhancing his image.

PUTIN: I don’t know if that such good idea. What if he falls off horse?

SHARPTON: He can wear his bike helmet.

PUTIN: (sighs) If your president want to ride horse, I take him on horse.

SHARPTON: (looking at smart phone) Uh, one last thing, Mr. Leader. I just got a text from my new, much younger girlfriend. She wants me to accept the autographed picture.

PUTIN: I send two. One for her, one for you. (smiles and winks)

SHARPTON: (Bashfully)  Thank you, Leader Prutin.

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FBI Says Ron Paul Handed Out LSD To Occupy Wall Street Protesters

NEW YORK – According to a report released by the FBI this afternoon, during his presidential campaign run in 2011, former Texas Congressman Ron Paul visited theOccupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan where it’s alleged he handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A former spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee fervently denies the candidate distributed LSD.

“Representative Paul was not at the Occupy Wall Streetprotests so how could he have been dispensing LSD to those people?”

Yet several revolutionaries are claiming that Ron Paul not only gave them LSD, but encouraged them to build nuclear weapons at home in their spare time.

“That Ron Paul guy was really cool,” proclaimed 22-year-old protester, Columbia University student Dylan Baez Shwartzkoff. “Dude gave me and my girlfriend some awesome acid and said if we voted for him he’d decriminalize drugs and make them available in schools along with condoms and small firearms.”

Other protesters allege Paul told them his administration would not punish anyone for having a nuclear weapon.

“Yeah, that dude was pretty radical,” exclaimed 19-year-old protester Nirvana Tweedsdale. “He turned me and my friends on to some awesome LSD and then hung out with us. Mr. Ron gave us pamphlets about constitutional freedoms and surviving nuclear fallout. At one point after the acid had kicked in, Mr. Ron leaned in and whispered: ‘how would you like to have an atom bomb of your very own?’ I must have been tripping pretty heavy at that point because when I looked at him there was a small naked man draped around his shoulders gnawing on a candy apple.”

Many protesters who tripped on Ron Paul’s LSD said they experienced hallucinations about President Obama.

Skip Boyle, Indianapolis – “I saw President Obama sitting on top of a van weeping openly, clutching a tear soaked towel. Then Cloris Leachman flew over me on a big black bird. She had bright blue lips and was shrieking Ron Paul! Ron Paul! down at the crowd. When the bird flew away President Obama began humming Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence and danced slowly with himself as Cloris Leachman’s Ron Paul! Ron Paul! echoed faintly from the heavens.”

Christin Hemmens, Chicago – “I saw President Obama up to his neck in a big stack of pancakes. There was an enormous pat of butter on top of his head that resembled McDonald’s founder, Ray Kroc. As the butter began to melt and engulf President Obama, Cloris Leachman flew above us straddling a very large crow and screeched Ron Paul! Ron Paul! It was pretty awesome. Then my arms morphed into German chocolate cake with delightful tasting icing and I began to eat myself.”

Abbey Hope, New York – “I saw Cloris Leachman fly over the crowd on that bird, but I didn’t do any LSD.”

Lewis Umbrellahem, New York – “That lady on the bird rocked, man!”

Bernard Angelopoulos, Carrboro, NC – “Ron Paul was radical, bro. He turned me and my friend onto some primo acid and told us if we voted for him we could have a nuclear bomb. Then I saw Burt Bacharach in the bushes having sex with Gladys Knight. Ron Paul for President, dude!”

When reached for comment after attending a meeting in Washington last night, Ron Paul said he had no idea what the Wall Street protesters were talking about and denied giving anyone LSD.

“Oh, that’s all just so much nonsense,” he barked as he got into a waiting car.

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Chris Christie’s Staff Blames Bridge Closing On Anti-Islam Video

TRENTON – This afternoon staff members loyal to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie alleged that the September closing of traffic lanes leading to the George Washington bridge was the result of a spontaneous reaction to an anti-Islam YouTube video. Although Gov. Christie has apologized for “unwittingly” misleading the public, calling the bridge closing “embarrassing and humiliating,” his staffers have nevertheless filed a complaint with the justice department, calling for an FBI investigation. Christie spokesman Collin Reed read a brief statement to reporters.

The information, the best information and the best assessment we have today is that in fact these were not preplanned, premeditated lane closings. That what happened was a spontaneous reaction to a vile and despicable film that pokes fun at the prophet Mohammad. Let me state very clearly and I hope it is obvious, that the New Jersey Governor’s office had absolutely nothing to do with this insensitive video. We absolutely reject its content and message and call for the immediate investigation of its filmmaker.

After attending a fundraiser at Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein’s Malibu home today, President Obama was asked by reporters to comment on the latest news out of New Jersey.

I want to personally extend my heartfelt sympathies to the victims of the lane closings,” Obama said. “If I had family members who commuted from New Jersey to New York, some of them would look like the folks stuck on the George Washington bridge. Now, it seems highly implausible that the horrifying chaos so many of us watched unfold on that bridge was a spontaneous reaction to a silly YouTube video. And I find it even harder to believe the American people are gullible enough to accept such a ludicrous story. The American people aren’t stupid.

Vice President Biden was cajoling seniors to purchase shotguns at the End of the Linenursing home in Baltimore when a resident asked him about the YouTube video story.

It’s down right embarrassing Governor Christie’s people have decided to blame the closing of that bridge on a harmless video in order to cover their own butts,” Biden told the seniors. “The American people aren’t stupid, folks. I can tell that just just by looking at ya’ll. Now, how many of you are gonna believe a video nobody has seen triggered the carnage on the George Washington bridge?” Biden smiled and winked at the seniors. “See, I knew you were a smart bunch. Now, who wants to buy a double barrel shotgun?

Shortly after news of the YouTube video allegations began circulating, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews received a phone call from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton during the taping of his show, Hardball.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I’m on the phone live with former Secretary of State Clinton. Thank you for calling, Madam Secretary.

HILLARY: Oh, my pleasure Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Madam Secretary, what was your initial reaction when you heard the Christie people blaming a YouTube video for the George Washington bridge lane closings?

HILLARY: Oh gosh, Chris. Not only is it shameful to blame a harmless video that nobody’s seen for the massacre on that bridge, but to hide behind a lie in order to avoid responsibility is … well, it’s unconscionable.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Amazing isn’t it, Madam Secretary?

HILLARY: What kind of people are capable of such acts of cowardice, Chris? It’s deplorable, inexcusable and frankly, it’s un- American.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: You hit the nail on the head, Madam President. Ha! It is un-American! Look, I know you have to go but I have to ask, are you running for president in 2016?

HILLARY: (laughing loudly) Oh gosh, Chris, the last thing on my mind right now is running for president!

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Thank you for calling, Madam President. I’m back with my guest, African American journalist, Eugene Robinson. (Looks at Robinson) What the heck is going on in New Jersey, my African American friend?  Is this Chris Christie’s dress stain? His illegitimate love-child? His toe-tap in the airport men’s room?

EUGENE ROBINSON: Well I ….

CHRIS MATTHEWS: And my God, what about the covert racism? Are Republicans ever going to evolve from the Jim Crow era? Did you happen to notice how many times Gov. Christie said bridge during his mea culpa?

EUGENE ROBINSON: Uh, another racial code word?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Ha! Look at you, Eugene, playing naive! Ha! Why doesn’t Christie just wear his white hood to press conferences?

EUGENE ROBINSON: I think …

CHRIS MATTHEWS: But the gall, Eugene … laying the blame for the lane closings on a video nobody’s seen? Is that the best they can do? How stupid do these white men think we are? Is it any wonder Republicans have alienated women and Hispanics? Huh? Talk to me my African American friend.

EUGENE ROBINSON: Well, what I think ….

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Hold on, Eugene. (listens to earpiece) Looks like they need to wipe the spittle off the camera lens again. Let’s take a commercial break and when we come back, MSNBC lesbian Rachel Maddow will tell us about the devastating effects Christie’s bridge closing had on the LGBT community. You’re watching Hardball!

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Obama Appoints Reverend Al Sharpton Global Warming Czar

WASHINGTON – During this morning’s White House briefing Jay Carney confirmed President Obama will appoint Al Sharpton to be the administration’s new Global Warming Czar. Carney said the president was astonished at the scientific brilliance Sharpton displayed when he explained man-made climate change earlier this week on MSNBC.

“The president happened to tune into ‘PoliticsNation’ on MSNBC this week when Reverend Sharpton was educating his audience on the complicated intricacies of man-made climate change. Armed with scientific facts and undeniable evidence, Mr. Sharpton was able to explain in layman’s terms the devastation we will all experience if we don’t act to rein in corporate America’s disregard for our planet.”

This afternoon Al Sharpton appeared on CNN with Piers Morgan to discuss his new position at the White House. Following is a transcript of their conversation.

PIERS MORGAN: My next guest is the new Czar of Climate Change, Reverend Al Sharpton. Welcome to the show, Mr. Sharpton.

AL SHARPTON: You may call me Reverend.

PIERS MORGAN: Of course, Reverend. Let me begin by congratulating you on your new job in the Obama administration.

AL SHARPTON: You’re welcome and I accept your congregation, Percy.

PIERS MORGAN: Climate Change Czar! I was not aware you were so knowledgeable about environmental dangers.

AL SHARPTON: There are lots of things I’m allegible for.

PIERS MORGAN: Tell me, when did you become so educated in climate change?

AL SHARPTON: Oh, I’ve been a huge fan of weather my entire whole life.

PIERS MORGAN: Did you study science in school?

AL SHARPTON: Nope. I’m what you would call self-adjudicated. I learned most things that way.

PIERS MORGAN: So when did you first become concerned about climate change?

AL SHARPTON: Oh, probably the first time I ran for president. I realized that lots of people on the left wanted global warming to be a tropic of their represenator’s oral condensations.

PIERS MORGAN: So it was political motivation rather than an actual concern for the environment that motivated you?

AL SHARPTON: My concern for those entering retirement was motivational. The elderlies are terrified of having to swim for their lives in floods due to man-made carbohydrates.

PIERS MORGAN: Reverend Sharpton, are you personally afraid of the consequences of climate change?

AL SHARPTON: My personal consequentials are personal, but the potentiality of global flooding in New York where I abode are catastrophous.

PIERS MORGAN: As the new czar of climate change, what will be your initial priority?

AL SHARPTON: African Americans will be my official minority, but I will not overlook a conspicuous regard for Latinos and homosapiens too.

PIERS MORGAN: Reverend Sharpton, what are some things you will recommend to reverse man-made climate change in the United States?

AL SHARPTON: I do not plan to go into reverse. Now is not the time to move backwards. We need to look forward rather than post a tasty retreat. I always say tomorrow is another day to fight against impression and any quality.

PIERS MORGAN: For decades Al Gore has warned us of the impending calamities of climate change. Do you plan to confer with him during your tenure as climate czar?

AL SHARPTON: Well, I don’t know if it’s going to be a ten year job, but who knows. Maybe I’ll be good at it.

PIERS MORGAN: I’m assuming as climate czar you will have an immense amount of power to crack down on some of the abuses of companies emitting poison into our air.

AL SHARPTON: What I will do as the climate star is seek and desist the crack down on drug abuses that send so many innocent African American men of color to prison and replace those laws with ambulatory rebilitation and career consoling.

PIERS MORGAN: You recently said that Tea Party members are happy about climate change. What did you mean by that?

AL SHARPTON: Tea baggers want the climate to flood because they don’t think African Americans can swim.

PIERS MORGAN: Can you swim?

AL SHARPTON: I used to be able to float when I was fat.

PIERS MORGAN: And now that you’re skinny?

AL SHARPTON: (snickers) When the floods come I’ll just have to pray that Oprah floats by.

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Al Gore Trapped In Blizzard En Route To Climate Fundraiser

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snow bank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may have had a nervous breakdown. A spokesperson for the Gore empire issued a statement this morning.

“President Albert Gore, former U.S. Senator, Grammy and Academy Award winner and humbled recipient of the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize is resting comfortably at his new home in the esteemed Malibu Beach community of beautiful sunny southern California. He would like to express his heartfelt thanks to the dozens of devotees who’ve sent recycled cards wishing him a speedy recovery. He is well aware of the necessity of his presence in our deteriorating world, and he wants his disciples to know that after a few months of rest aboard his new yacht he will board his private jet and travel to far and distant lands to forecast that all humans will soon suffer unimaginable agony and despair in the ever advancing apocalypse of global warming. The Gore estate will continue to accept large financial donations to help pay for his selfless and benevolent predictions of impending wretchedness and torment. So we beseech you to please continue to donate large sums of money. With enough cash Mr. Gore is confident that, through his unrelenting determination and struggle to combat global warming, he can almost guarantee that your children will not die before they reach the tenth, maybe even the eleventh grade.”

Mr. Gore’s limo driver told reporters from the National Enquirer that the former vice president and Nobel Peace Prize recipient had a psychological meltdown during their stay in the snowbank.

“President Gore was quite shaken when it became apparent that he would miss the fund raiser. When our cell phone reception disappeared he began squirming around the back of the limo like a caged animal. That’s when he began screaming into his cell phone.

“Somebody, please answer me! Hello? This is Al Gore! Somebody answer Al Gore’s cry for help! Somebody please, answer Al Gore’s cry for help! I repeat, this is President Al Gore! Somebody help President Al Gore!”

“When I told President Gore that his phone wasn’t getting a signal,” the driver continued, “he rightfully told me to keep my mouth shut because I was just a limo driver who had never received a big important trophy in front of lots of people. Then he started hyperventilating and screaming that we were going to die. By the time help arrived he’d collapsed into a fetal position in the back of the limo mumbling:

“Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes. Five hundred and thirty-seven votes…..”

When reporters contacted Mr. Gore’s ex-wife, Tipper, her spokesperson said the former first lady has been away shopping for the past six months and is expected to continue shopping for several more years.

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